What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
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Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn