Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”