What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
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[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen