What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.