Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

A dad and his duck

I’ve been lied to my entire life

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department