What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
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ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.