Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.