Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

Speak now or ever hold your peace

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

This could be us, but you weedin’.

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.