Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

Oh yeh? Explain this then

11: dad I have a confession

me: oh boy. What.

11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time

me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?

9: I paid him off in nachos

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”

*and I was like _whatever_*

I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.