WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Welcome
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
