WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
My wedding will be open casket.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
