Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

next question.

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces