What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
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ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Proctology is located in A55
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
all that yoga finally paid off
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Simple
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”