Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

Voting for coroner

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?