@sarahdelri0

What I say to my son: “Get dressed.”
His interpretation: “Stand around naked watching television with one sock on.”

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@g0m

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

@AtticusFinch79

[first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure…

@blade_funner

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

@mishakey

It’s fun to watch a waitress flirt with my husband for an entire meal, then see that look of betrayal as I take the check from her hand.

@bobvulfov

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

@turdfailure

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

@TheAlexP

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.