Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

Windows

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?