what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
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me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Body by Oreos
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE