What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
You Might Also Like
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path