Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home