Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

Thank you 🥹

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.