Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

2 students brought hard boiled eggs in their lunches today so it’s time to separate the kids into the haves and have nots

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.