[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
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Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*