Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.