Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

sometimes i miss this memes

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.