Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

Golf would be better with landmines.

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

Found the job I’m suited for

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.