What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
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Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
Challenge accepted.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
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