What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket![]()
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I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I am laughing way too hard at this.
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It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
i think my razor is having a panic attack
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[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.