Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

Guy who likes music

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

english majors be like furthermore

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.