What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
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Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
wishing you and yours all the best
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?