What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
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I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.