Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

Eat…

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”