Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

this could fix me

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

fair

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag