Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

My neck my back my allergy attack

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

how to have fun when you’re poor

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore