Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

Broom by every window for quick escape.

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep