@XplodingUnicorn

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

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@weinerdog4life

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

@ChrisThayerSays

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

@KalvinMacleod

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

@ericsshadow

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

@rorynotroy

id be so offended if a group of ppl just rolled through my room on safari rn as im lounging in bed and just pointed at me and took pictures

@cottoncandaddy

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

@ashmensch

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

@therepoguy

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

@mrjohndarby

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so