What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

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If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.


I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”


PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting


Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.


id be so offended if a group of ppl just rolled through my room on safari rn as im lounging in bed and just pointed at me and took pictures


my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant


Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.


I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.


Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so