What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Frankenstein?
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
the dark web is just a goth google.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
