What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
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Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House