What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
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While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
That’s fair
It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.