What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
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My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Netflix: We have Less
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any