What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
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Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.