What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
You Might Also Like
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.