What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
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Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!