What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
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The symmetry is uncanny.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
If snakes were wide
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*