what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
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[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
My dog ate my work from home.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet