what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
You Might Also Like
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Tuesday
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Every. Damn. Time.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”