what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
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A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.