what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
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your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Never let them know your next move 😂
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested