what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
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It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it