What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
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My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I needed a laugh this morning.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
