What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
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[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.