What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
You Might Also Like
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.