What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
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NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
m’lady
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda