What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
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“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
*mops up wine with cat*
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?