What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
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Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me: