Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

ㅤ

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?