Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

decorating my apartment

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

is it earth

translated into Canadian

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards