What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
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“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.