What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
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cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old