What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
You Might Also Like
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Plant care tips
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.