Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

Trying