Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

I wish I could veto my bills.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out