What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
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Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Muppet Screams
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
they finally got him. they got macavity
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.