What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
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a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Discuss
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.