What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
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*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I’m literally crying
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me