What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
You Might Also Like
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
john wicks are toilet candles
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Check out the legs on this baby
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.