What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
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*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%