What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.