What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
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127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Girl, same.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger