What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.