What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
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[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.