What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
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Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all