What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
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The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes