Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

This billboard speaks to me

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

Kids, do not try this at home!

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

incredible

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now