What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
You Might Also Like
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I’m crying im so happy for them
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.