What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
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Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
❤️🦆
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Wise advice
Watson was Holmes schooled
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Not😆🤣
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
That’s commitment
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.