What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.