What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
They got Raph!
getting corrected
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower