What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
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A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”